


So Deep I'm Drowning

by houdini74



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety Attacks, Committed Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-13
Updated: 2019-04-13
Packaged: 2020-01-12 20:02:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18453647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/houdini74/pseuds/houdini74
Summary: Being engaged is triggering David's anxiety.





	So Deep I'm Drowning

**Author's Note:**

> As we're all enjoying the happy afterglow of the last two episodes of Season 5, here is a super-angstsy story of David having a panic attack about getting married.

Patrick opened his eyes. The bedroom was dark and quiet. He shivered and realized that the chill must have woken him. Normally, David’s body heat kept him warm. He reached to the other side of the bed, but it was cold and empty. He looked over at the living room, the light from the streetlights was enough for him to see a dark shape at one end of the couch. 

“David?” he whispered softly, but there was no response.

He moved over to David, grabbing a blanket from the chair on his way by. Even through the rug, the floor was cold on his bare feet. David was hunched over on the sofa, his elbows on his knees and his hands clasped at the back of his neck. He didn’t look up as Patrick settled beside him and pulled the blanket around both of them. 

Patrick put his arms around David and pulled him as close as he’d allow, stroking his back.

“Shh, it’s okay, I’ve got you,” he murmured in David’s ear.

“Don’t leave me.” David’s voice was broken and quiet.

“Never.”

The first time he’d seen David have a panic attack, Patrick had desperately wanted to fix things for him, to try to solve whatever problem David was dealing with. Over time he’d learned that the problem didn’t matter, that his being there was what David needed most. It’s like all my nightmares have become real, David had tried to explain. And they’ve destroyed everything good in my life.

Even though he knew that the anxiety was making David say things he wouldn’t normally say, hearing him plead for Patrick to stay with him was like a dagger to his heart. Patrick continued to rub David’s back, whispering in his ear. 

“Breathe. I’m here. Talk to me when you’re ready.”

It had been months since David’s last attack, as if the joy they both felt from being together had sanded off the edges, but something had clearly triggered David’s anxiety tonight. Maybe it was the wedding planning or maybe just a stray thought that had unconsciously rooted itself in David’s mind. Patrick knew if he asked that David either wouldn’t or couldn’t tell him what was causing the panic, so he sat quietly beside him, whispering softly and stroking his back.

Slowly, Patrick could feel David start to relax, his hands unclenching from his neck. He leaned closer to press a soft kiss to David’s temple.

David took a deep breath and then another. He raised his head to look at Patrick.

“Maybe we shouldn’t get married.”

It took everything Patrick had not to argue. He took a deep breath of his own and continued to rub David’s back. 

“What if it’s too much? What if it doesn’t work out and we have to sell the store? What if you finally realize that there are better options?” David’s voice was breaking so badly that he could barely say the last few words.

Patrick stopped himself from pointing out that any of those things could happen whether they got married or not. He knew that logical arguments didn’t stand a chance against David’s anxiety. He pulled David tighter.

“David.” He had to pause to swallow the lump in his throat. “You make me happier than I’ve ever been. Don’t ask me to give that up because I never will.”

“How can this,” David gestured to himself, “Make you happy? I’m a mess and obviously I’m always going to be a mess if this is what I’m like when things are as good as they’ve ever been.”

“Oh, David… you can make me happy even if you’re a mess sometimes.”

Patrick pressed a kiss to the top of David’s head. With a sigh, David rested his head on Patrick’s shoulder. They sat together for a moment before Patrick nudged David gently. 

“Let’s go back to bed.”

“Okay,” David replied softly.

Back under the covers, Patrick wrapped his arms around David from behind as they snuggled together. He kissed the back of David’s neck and felt David release a shaky breath. 

“I love you, David,” he whispered. There was a long pause before David spoke.

“I’m not sure why.” David’s voice was so quiet that Patrick almost couldn’t hear him. He pulled David closer, trying to choose the right words.

“Really? After all this time, you don’t know why?” He’d meant it to be a joke, but it came out as a serious question.

“Okay...I do know. It’s just...it scares me sometimes. The more you love me the more I have to lose. And sometimes it feels like I’m in so deep that I’m drowning.”

***

Sunlight was streaming through the windows when Patrick woke. He opened his eyes to see that David had turned to face him during the night. David was still asleep, his hair tousled and his face relaxed. Smiling, Patrick watched him sleep. The dark eyes opened slowly, smiling when they saw Patrick watching.

“Hey.” Patrick said softly.

“Hey.” David replied before looking away.

Patrick waited to see if David would say anything more. He knew that David didn’t always want to talk about his anxiety attacks, but after what he’d said last night he needed to know that David still wanted to marry him. After a long moment, he reached out and gently touched David’s cheek. David’s black eyes moved back to meet his.

“Hey,” he repeated. “You okay?”

“Yeah. Yes. I just…” 

Patrick could tell something was still bothering David. He felt a small stab of fear deep inside. He wasn’t sure what to do if David had truly changed his mind about getting married. What would he tell his parents? After his mom had been so excited when he’d told her that he and David were engaged? He took a breath to hold his own panic at bay.

“I...I still want to get married.” David’s words came out in a rush and his eyes were bright. “Unless you’ve changed your mind after last night?”

“No. Never.”

David blinked hard to chase away the tears.

“When I said I felt like I was drowning...I need you to know that’s not how you make me feel. You make it easy but sometimes I can’t help but make it hard for myself.”

“David. Sweetheart.” Patrick reached out to cup David’s cheek. “Sometimes what we have feels that way to me too. It can feel so big that I don’t know how to hold on to it.”

David gave him a shaky smile. Patrick leaned forward to kiss him gently, sliding his hand down David’s side to rest on his hip, pulling their bodies together. Beneath his hand, he felt the last of David’s tension fall away as their kiss deepened.

***

They lingered in bed far longer than they should have but Patrick finally persuaded David out of bed in time to open the store. He could tell that David was feeling uncertain after last night and their conversation this morning. His usual confidence was missing and he seemed more subdued than normal. As they headed to the store he reached out to hold Patrick’s hand, something he almost never did.

At the store, David began restocking the shelves and rearranging some of the displays. Patrick watched him for a few minutes. He could tell that David was desperate to keep himself busy, probably to keep from dwelling on his panic from the night before. Before David could catch him watching and worrying about him, Patrick headed into the backroom to catch up on his stack of paperwork.

At the desk in the backroom, he opened the laptop and began to enter the last month’s invoices. Thinking about David was distracting him and he kept making mistakes. He sighed, about to go back into the main room when the bell above the door rang. He heard the door shut abruptly as a voice called out.

“You’re being an idiot.”

Patrick stayed at the desk and grinned to himself. Stevie. He assumed that David must have been texting her this morning. Maybe talking to his best friend would get David back to normal.

“I just…” Patrick could picture David’s arms waving frantically. “...what if it doesn’t work out? What if it’s too much?”

There was a pause and Patrick felt his heart clench as he heard David repeat the question he’d asked last night. He wanted to rush into the other room and take David into his arms but he heard Stevie reply.

“Remind me when you were the happiest you’ve ever been?”

“Why does that matter?”

“David.” Somehow Stevie managed to sound more exasperated than she had before.

“Fine. You know it was when Patrick proposed, I’ve literally never been this happy.”

“So…?”

“So what if I can’t be the person he thinks I am?”

“David, Patrick doesn’t think you’re anything, he knows who you are. He knows that you’ll always take the last cookie. He knows that you love your clothes more than you love most people. He knows that you’ll always whine about the things that you don’t want to do. But for some reason he loves you anyway. He is in love with you. He is head over heels in love with you. The only way that’s going to change is if you mess things up.”

“It just feels like there’s a lot to lose.”

“And?”

“What do you mean ‘and’?”

“Of course there’s a lot to lose. But isn’t there even more to gain?”

David was quiet for a long while and Patrick wished more than anything that he could see his face. He heard Stevie sigh.

“Just don’t do anything stupid, okay?” The bell on the door jingled as she left the store.

A few minutes later, David appeared around the curtain that separated the back room from the store. He leaned against the wall just inside the doorway with his arms crossed and looked at Patrick. 

“I don’t suppose there’s any chance you didn’t hear that?”

Patrick shook his head, not sure what to say as David continued.

“The truth is that I don’t know what I would do without you and that’s something I’ve never had before. And I know... _I know_ that nothing bad is going to happen, but sometimes my fears come out to play even when I know they aren’t real.”

David gave him one of his twisted smiles and looked at the ceiling. Patrick could see he was trying to hold back tears. Patrick came out from behind the desk and moved over to where David was standing. He reached up to brush away the tear that had escaped down David’s cheek.

“You can’t get rid of me, you know. And I don’t just mean legally ‘cause we own this store together,” Patrick said firmly.

David gave a shaky laugh and he finally met Patrick’s eyes.

“I don’t care if it takes the rest of our lives together, but I will do everything I can to silence those fears for once and for all.”

Placing his hands on the sides of David’s face he gently stroked his thumbs across David’s cheekbones before pulling his head towards him and kissing him fiercely. 

“Besides,” he said, his voice turning low and rough as he stepped forward to press David against the wall. “You need to tell those fears of yours that you belong to me now. And I do not like to share.”


End file.
